I. Do you ascribe to either: A)
Passive-Aggressive Patriarchy:" (often come across as a
victim/helpless/in need/dependent and get women
in your life to be your physical and
to buy you things?
to take care of your responsibilities? pick up your
slack? use guilt or manipulation to get out of your
responsibilities and equal share of the work? do
you treat your female partner like a "mom" or your
B) "Aggressive Patriarchy:" (Do you
often take charge? Assume that a woman can’t do
something right so you do it for her? Believe that
only you can take care of things? Think that you
always have the right answer? Treat your female
partner like she’s helpless, fragile, a baby or
weak? Do you put down your partner or minimize her
feelings? Do you belittle her opinions?)
How do you react when women in your life name something
or someone as patriarchal or sexist? Do you think of
her or call her a "PC Thug," "Feminazj,"
"Thin-skinned," "Overly-Sensitive," a
"COINTELPRO-esque" or "Un-fun?"
3. Do you see
talking about patriarchy as non-heroic, a waste of
time, trouble making, or divisive?
4. If a
woman asks your opinion, do you assume she must not know
anything about the subject?
5. Do you
believe that women have "natural characteristics" which
are Inherent in our sex such as "passive," "sweet,"
"caring," "nurturing," "considerate," "generous,"
"weak," or "emotional?"
6. Do you make fun of
"typical" men or "frat boys" but not ever
check yourself to see if you behave in the same ways?
7. Do you take on sexism and patriarchy as a
personal struggle working to fight against it in
yourself, in your relationships, in society,
work, culture, subcultures, and institutions?
8. Do you say anything when other men make
sexist or patriarchal comments? Do you help your
patriarchal and sexist friends to make change and
help educate them? Or do you continue friendships
with patriarchal and sexist men and act like
there is no problem.
9. As a. man, is being a. feminist a priority to
you? Do you see being a feminist as revolutionary or
10. Do you think that you define what
is radical? Do you suffer from or contribute to macho
bravado" or ‘subpoena envy? (I.e. defining a
true or "cool" and respectable activist as
someone who has: been arrested, done lockdowns,
scaled walls, hung banners, done time for their
actions argued or fought with police, done property
alterations, beat up nazi boneheads, etc.)?
11. Do you take something a woman said, reword
it and claim it as your own idea/opinion?
Are you taking on the "shit" or "grunt" work in your
organizing? (I.e.: Cooking. cleaning. set up, clean
up phone calls, email lists, taking notes, doing
support work, sending mailings, providing
childcare?) Are you aware of the fact. that women
often are taking on this work with no regard or
for their efforts?
13. Do you take active step
to make your activist groups safe and
comfortable places for women?
14. If you
are trying to get more women involved in your activist
projects, do you try to engage them by telling
them what’ to do or why they should join your
15. Do you ever find yourself monitoring
and limiting your behavior and speech in meetings and
activist settings because you don't want’ to
take up too much space or dominate the group? Are
you aware of the fact that women do this all the
16. Do you pay attention to group process
and consensus building in groups or do you tend
to dominate and take charge (maybe without even
Relationships and Issues
17. Do you make jokes
or negative comments about the sex lives of women or
18. Can you only show affection and be
loving to your partner in front of friends and family
or only in private?
19. Do you discuss the
responsibility for preventing contraception
and getting STD screening prior to sexual contact?
20. Do you repeatedly ask or plead with women
for what you want in sexual situations? Are you
aware that unless this is a mutually consented
upon scenario/game that this is considered a form of
21. During sex, do you pay attention
to your partner’s face and body language to see if
she is turned on? Engaged, or just lying there?
Do you ask a woman who she wants during sex? What
turns her on?
22. Do you ask for consent?
23. Do you know if your partner has a sexual
abuse, rape, or physical abuse history?
Do you stay with your partner in a relationship for
comfort and security? Sex? Financial or emotional
caretaking? If you’re not completely happy or "in
love" with your partner anymore? Even though you don’t
think it will ultimately work out? Because you’re
afraid or unable to be alone? Do you suddenly end
relationships when a "new" or "better" woman
25. Do you jump from
relationship to relationship? Overlap them? Or do you
take space and time for yourself in between each
relationship to reflect on the relationship and your
role in it? Do you know how to be alone? How to be
26. Do you cheat on your partners?
27. If your girlfriend gets on your case for
patriarchal behavior or wants to try to work on the
issues of patriarchy in your relationship, do you
creak up with her or cheat on her and find another woman
who will put up with your shit?
you agree to romantic commitment and responsibility and
then back out of these situations?
you understand menstruation?
30. Do you make fun
of women or write them off as "PMS-ING?"
31. Do you tend to
set the standard and plans for fun or do you
work with the others in the group, including women to
see what they want to do?
32. Do you talk to
your female friends about things you don't talk
to your male friends about especially emotional
33. Do you constantly fall in love with
your female friends Are you friends with women
until you find out that they are not in love with you
too and then end the friendships? Are you only
friends with women who are in monogamous or committed
relationships with other people?
34. Do you come
on to your female friends even jokingly?
you only talk to your female friends (and not your male
friends) about your romantic relationships or
problems in those relationships?
36. Do you
find yourself only attracted to "Anarcho-Crusty Punk
Barbie", Alterna-Grrrl Barbie," or Hardcore-Grrrl
Barbie?" (The idea here being that the only women you
arc attracted to fit mainstream beauty
standards but just dress and do their hair
alternatively and maybe have piercings and tattoos)
Do you question and challenge your internalized ideals
of mainstream beauty ideals for women?
Have you ever heard of or discussed "sizeism" and do you
think it is low on the oppression scale?
Are you aware of the fact that ALL WOMEN, even women in
radical communities, live under the CONSTANT
PRESSURE and OPPRESSION of mainstream
patriarchal beauty standards?
39. Are you
aware of the fact that many women in radical
communities have had and are currently dealing with
40. Do you make fun of
"model-types" or "mainstream" women for
41. When was the last time you walked
into your house, noticed that something was
misplaced/dirty/etc. AND did something about it (didn’t
just walk by it, over it, away from it or leave a
nasty note about it) even if it wasn’t your chore or
42. Are you constantly amazed by
the magical "food fairy" who
mysteriously acquires food, brings it home, puts
it away, prepares it in meal form and then cleans up
43. Do you contribute equally to
domestic life and work?
44. How many of the
following activities do you contribute to in
your home (this is a partal list of what it takes to
run a household): A: Sweep and mop floors and clean
carpets B: Wash and put away dishes C: Clean
stove, countertops, sinks and appliances if they are
messy and each time after you have prepared food
D: Collect money, do food shopping, put away food
and make meals for people you live with E: Do
house laundry (kitchen towels, bathroom hand towels,
washable rugs, etc.) F: Clean up common room
spaces, even if it’s not your chore G: Pick up
other’s slack H: Deal with garbage, recycling, and
compost I: Take care of bills, rent, utilities
J: Deal with the landscaping and gardening K:
Clean bathrooms and make sure bathroom is clean after
you use it L: Feed, clean up after, and take care of
Children & Childcare
Do you spend time with kids? If you do, do you spend
time with children (yours or anyone's) in a way
that is gendered? (do certain things with boys and
other things with girls?
46. If you are a
father, do you CO-parent your children? (Spend
equal time AND energy AND effort AND money to raise
47. Do you make childcare a priority? (at
both activist events and in daily life)
Do you help make the lives of single mothers in your
life and community easier by finding out if and
how you can assist?
49. Have you politicized
your ideas about child rearing and parenthood radical
communities? Do you believe that individuals who are in
the movement have children or that the movement
50. When was the last time you showed a woman
how to do a task rather than doing it for her and
assuming she couldn’t do it?
51. When was the
last time you asked a woman to show you how to do
52. Do you get emotional needs met by
other women, whether or not you are in a romantic
relationship with them? Or do you cultivate
caring, nurturing relationships with other men in
which you can discuss your feelings and get your
needs met by them?
53. If a woman discusses with
you or calls you out on your patriarchy, do you make
an effort to be emotionally present? Listen? Not
emotionally shut down? Not get defensive? Think
about what she said? Admit you fucked up? Take
responsibility/make reparations for the mistakes you
made? Discuss your feelings and ideas with her?
Apologize? Work harder on your own shit to make sure
that you don’t make the same mistakes again with
her or other women?
54. Do you look inside
yourself to find out why you fucked up in
these relationships and work to both change your
behavior and be a better anti-patriarchy ally in
55. Do you organize regular house
meetings or activist meetings to resolve conflict
in the house/group?
56. Do you use intimidation,
yelling, getting in someone’s physical
space, threats or violence to get your point
across? Do you create and atmosphere or violence
around women or others to threaten them (i.e.: throw
things, break things, yell and scream, threaten,
attack, tease or terrorize the animals or pets of
women in your life)?
57. Do you physically,
psychologically, or emotionally abuse women?
Do the women in your life (mothers, sisters, partners,
housemates, friends, etc.) have to "remind" you or
"nag" you or "yell" at you in order for you to get
off your ass and take care of your
59. Do you talk to
other men about patriarchy and your part in it?
60. When was the last time you thought about or
talked about any of these issues other than after
reading this questionnaire?
Scoring: ALL MEN
need to work on issues of patriarchy, sexism and
misogyny. However, this questionnaire may point
out to you areas of particular focus or concentration
for your own
anti-patriarchal/sexist/misogynist process and